50 #Honesty

 

Teddi rolled her desk chair to the credenza and tipped the fish food jar, smiling when her three "pets" raced to the water's surface for their breakfast.  Frank and Dean bumped one another in a fishy squabble for the largest speck while Sammy patiently claimed one smaller crumb after another. 

 

"That's right," she approved.  "Grazing fills your tummy just as well as the gorging, and you don't have to fight for it."

 

"Are you talking to the fucking fish?"

 

Spinning toward the voice, she smiled contentedly at a fully dressed Jon.  He'd fallen back to sleep after their little workout, but Teddi had been too invigorated to follow suit.  She had slipped from the boudoir for a swim and shower before taking up her morning routine of coffee at the desk.

 

"Don’t disrespect the Fish Pack.  Frankie, Dean and Sammy are a little bowl of tranquility that I find relaxing."

 

“I like the names, but Jesus," he huffed with hands on hips.  "Lema's gonna rub this in my face forever.  I should’ve taken the credit for ‘em."

 

"I rather like that you didn't.  Your honesty is as much a gift as the fish.” 

 

"What?  Because you think I'm not normally honest?"

 

"The Bon Jovi trolls would say you only lie when your lips are moving, but I would never imply that.”

 

"You just did."

 

Laughing lightly, she tucked away the fish food and clarified, "As a celebrity, you spend a great deal of time crafting an image.  Sometimes that involves letting people see what they want to see.  All I'm saying is that it would've been easier to take credit for the gift than to respect me with the truth."

 

"Mm.  I guess."  His attention was fixed on the bowl where Frank and Dean still battled it out over the largest helpings while Sammy devoured the scraps.  "Got any coffee around here?"

 

"Damnation.  Where are my manners?  Of course there's coffee," she assured, coming from behind the desk with her own half-empty mug.  "Would you like some breakfast, too?  Fruit?  Bagel?  Egg white omelet?"

 

"Nah.  Just the coffee.  Maybe a cookie, if you have any."

 

Teddi refrained from casting an amused look over her shoulder as they crossed the entry hall into the kitchen.  The man loved his cookies and she loved that he was always asking for hers.

 

"I’ve started keeping a stash just for you.  Sit.”

 

She busied herself with the Keurig while he took up a stool at the island and noted, "You need a real coffee maker."

 

"I'm not enough of a coffee connoisseur to want anything like the setup you have.  But I could upgrade if it will make your mornings here more pleasant."

 

"How do you know what I have?"

 

"You gave the world a tour of your kitchen on CBS," she reminded, taking delight in the suspicious tilt of his head.  It must be easy to forget how wide he'd opened the windows to his world.  "We've all seen the fancy machine that’s more suited to Starbucks than the average home.”

 

"Ah.  Right."  Suspicion became appreciation when he accepted the cup she slid to him across the marble.  "Pod coffee’s fine, thanks.  What's your schedule look like today?"

 

"Julia will be here in a couple of hours, but I think my calendar is light today.  A couple of early afternoon meetings.  I'd planned to start work on a new book."

 

"So it won't be a big deal if I stay a while?"

 

"Not at all." The request was unexpected, but she remained nonchalant when putting a saucer with three cookies next to his cup.  A middle finger dabbed at the excess sugar invisibly dotting white china, and he lifted it to his tongue as she justified, "Julia will assume you've come for an early meeting, so stay as long as you want."

 

"Even if I'm gonna piss you off?"

 

"I'm not easily pissed," she returned cautiously.  "Annoyed or irritated, perhaps, but true anger only comes with the cruelty of others.  Are you planning to be cruel?"

 

"No, just nosy.  I wanna know what happened when Pierce came to see you this weekend."

 

Her hand stuttered on the Keurig's power button.  Did he somehow know about Pierce's intention to wait in the wings?  That would be impossible, but from the shuttered state of Jon's eyes, he either knew something or thought he knew something. 

 

Dark liquid flowed from the whirring machine, making it necessary to lift her voice when reminding, "I already told you we didn't have sex."

 

"But what did you do?"

 

Teddi took her time powering off the coffee maker.  The conversation with Pierce played through her mind in quick spurts, all the way to the awkward moment she showed him out.  Despite the fact that he’d touched every part of her body for years, there had been a different type of intimacy in his soft parting kiss.  The gentle brush of fingertips over her cheek carried a new tenderness when he promised to be in touch. 

 

Without any communication from Jon to distract her, the scene had echoed in her mind for most of the weekend.  It was still lingering when he demanded to know if she’d had sex, but Teddi hadn’t thought of it a single time since he’d arrived. 

 

What did that mean? 

 

There was no time for a self-analysis.  Jon was waiting for an answer.  She consciously brought herself back to the present, taking her fresh coffee to a stool at the opposite end of the island and swiveling it to face him.

 

"We talked," she stated simply as he broke off the tip of a cookie and popped it in his mouth.  "Pierce apologized for the unintentional distress he caused me and explained Endicott's rationale for the offer.  I apologized for Tori's behavior.  There wasn't much more than that." 

 

"Okay."

 

He lifted his cup to sip at the still-steaming brew, and Teddi thought that was the end of it.  When the cup's bottom once again rested against marble, however, she found out differently. 

 

"You said a few minutes ago that you appreciated the respect of my honesty.  I’d appreciate the same respect from you.” 

 

"Since we're paraphrasing one another….  You don’t believe I’m being honest?”

 

She’d thought it to be a simple yes or no question, but rather than supplying either word, Jon tilted his chin in her direction.  "Look where your hand is."

 

Teddi's fingers stilled against the hollow of her bare throat.  She hadn't realized she was stroking the spot where her pendant typically sat, but he obviously did. 

 

"What of it?"

 

"Pretty sure you're past the point of being nervous in my company, Cookie.  The exception seems to be when we’re having a difficult conversation, and what you've told me so far isn't difficult.  Makes me think there's something else that happened, and you don’t wanna tell me what it is."

 

Damnation.  Why did he have to be observant at the most inconvenient times?

 

He's always been observant with you.  Remember the roses?

 

Although emotional support fish weren’t his idea, he’d sent that single red rose nestled among white that dared her to be noticed.  He'd seen her when he had no real reason to.  He'd offered her comfort when she wouldn't dream of asking for it. 

 

He was entitled to her respect. 

 

"You’re right," she affirmed, shifting the telltale hand to wrap around her coffee.  "But it's not going to sit well.  You may be the one who is pissed off by this conversation."

 

His tone was surprisingly even and neutral when responding, "I kinda figured as much.  Tell me, anyway." 

 

“Very well.  He wants me to consider pursuing a relationship with him after what you and I have runs its course.  He’s willing to wait.”

 

There was no explosion, outrage or indignation.  Jon just silently worked his jaw and gazed out the far kitchen window while Teddi waited for a reaction.  Any reaction. 

 

When she couldn’t stand the anticipation any longer, Teddi casually added, “That’s everything.”

 

“No,” he disagreed, cutting eyes from the beautiful summer sunshine to her.  “That’s not even close to everything.  I just can’t decide which way to go with it.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Am I supposed to give in to the urge to be pissed because it’s another example of you ending things with me before they’ve really begun?  Or do I turn it on Pierce, who is a dick for making the suggestion?  Maybe I demand to know your answer?  Or…”  Shrewd question marks peppered his expression.  “Should I get hung up on the words you used?”

 

Hellfire and damnation.  She should’ve said Pierce wanted to rekindle their relationship, not pursue one.  Her word selection made it sound like they didn’t have a history, which they technically didn’t, but the thought of sharing that with Jon made her want to hide her face. 

 

Teddi didn’t, though. Her gaze remained steady when saying, “I can’t choose your reaction.”

 

“You just did,” he replied simply.  “There wasn’t a hint of confusion about why your phrasing might intrigue me, so you know exactly what I’m talking about.  Tell me about you and Pierce – with respect.”

 

That was the reminder that he wanted honesty, and she couldn’t be any more honest than, “I’m not brave enough to tell you the truth.”

 

“Yes, you are.”  Jon slid from his stool and passed up four empty ones to take the one beside Teddi.  With her knees tucked between his, he laid an upturned palm on the counter.  “You’re safe with me, Teddi.”

 

Blinking away the emotion that misted her eyes, she gently laid her palm against his, absorbing the warmth of the fingers that closed around it.  “Tori’s the only one who knows,” she confided softly.  “And I just told her to protect you.”

 

“If you were brave enough to tell her, you’re brave enough to tell me.”

 

If there had been anger simmering below the surface, she could’ve denied him.  If she felt judgment waiting in the wings, she would’ve.  Jon displayed neither of those things.  There was only curiosity in his thoughtfully furrowed brow and tenderness in the stroke of his thumb over her knuckles.

 

“I crave sex more than the average woman,” Teddi said evenly, focusing on the golden tone of his hand against her lighter complexion.  “Truman limited me to once a week because he got tired of my enthusiasm.  I got very good at finding discreet companies to deliver nearly any self-pleasure toy available.  During the two years after his death, I wore out an untold number of them before deciding I was entitled to a man’s touch.”

 

She channeled the physical loneliness that had driven her, allowing it to fuel the explanation that wouldn’t stop now that it had begun. 

 

“With my agoraphobia, picking up someone at a bar wasn’t an option, and online dating carries too many risks.  So I found an escort agency online.  A reputable one who performs extensive background checks on both their employees and clients.  Once I passed muster, they sent me several photos – and I chose Pierce.”

 

“Are you tellin' me he’s a whore?”

 

She lifted her eyes with a wince at Jon’s blunt incredulity.  Suddenly, rent-a-cock didn’t seem quite as offensive a term.  At least it didn’t sound so Biblical, which brought Grandmother to mind.  The old woman would die all over again at the abomination, but since she was already dead, Teddi calmly addressed the man in front of her.

 

“He’s a professional whom I paid for specific services in my boudoir.  That’s why he couldn’t find the kitchen and why I was so shocked that he arrived here in a legal capacity.”

 

“I’ll be damned.  And now he wants to date you?”

 

“As ludicrous as it seems, that’s correct.  The last time he came over was after you and I had started talking, and I couldn’t get you off my mind enough to go through the usual routine.  Pierce was fine not having sex and stayed and watch a movie with me.  Apparently, the evening was enjoyable enough that it bears repeating.” 

 

“What movie?”

 

The question was so unexpected and out of left field that Teddi dumbly parroted, “What movie?” 

 

“Yeah.  Did you watch The Godfather with him, too?”

 

She’d confessed her most embarrassing secret and Jon wanted to know what movie she watched.  The absurdity of the whole situation wrenched a chuckle out of her.  “No, you unpredictable man.  It was Young Guns II.”

 

The answer prompted a grin that said he approved of the film she'd chosen in subtle honor of him.

 

“Good.  I consider Corleone sacred.”  He scooted his stool closer, and the hand holding hers stayed put as he leaned in, using his other to capture her chin.  “Listen real fucking close, because I don’t want you casually dismissing what I’m about to say.”

 

Teddi nodded as much as she was able.

 

“I got no problem whatsoever with your past choices, but if you haven’t already told Pierce to fuck off, do it.  I don’t want you making plans for ‘when this is over’.  Get comfortable in ‘this is happening’, because you’re gonna be here a while.  You’re mine, and I’m not just talking about your pussy.  You.  You’re mine, and I don’t feel like fucking sharing, even with the future.  Got it?”

 

The left side of her mouth slipped slowly upward as warmth enveloped her from the inside out.   It was a good thing he’d already shattered the idea of him being a fantasy, because this went a million miles beyond any fantasy she ever dared to weave.  She didn’t mind the trip, however.  As long as he was holding her hand, she’d go wherever he took her.

 

If this is what honesty gets me, why stop now? 

 

“I’ve been yours since I was sixteen.  You’re the one who’s just figuring it out.”