72 #Messages

  

July 31, 2017
Monday

10:11am
TORI:  I can’t believe you’re actually going to the Hamptons

TEDDI: It hasn’t happened yet.

TORI: But you’re actively planning to, right?

TEDDI: Yes.

TORI:  Can’t ask for more than that.  Other than to take me with you, of course.  😁

 

2:30pm
JON: Are you still coming to the beach Sunday?

TEDDI: That’s the plan.

JON: Good. The more I think about that necklace the more pissed I get.

TEDDI: There’s nothing to be mad over until we find out where she got it.  Work that into a conversation, would you?

JON: I’m trying to avoid talking to her.  Did you call Pierce?

TEDDI: Yes.  He’s coming over this evening.

JON: You couldn’t just leave it at yes, could you?

TEDDI:  Sorry.  Yes.  😘

JON: Too late.  I’m already butt hurt.  Maybe I’ll take it out on Deidre.  Snatch that necklace right off her neck.  Even better, get Jesse to do it.  He would, if he knew the story.

TEDDI: There’s no reason to tell Jesse anything, and even so, that’s awfully dramatic isn’t it?

JON: Kinda like telling your lover you invited another man over while he’s out of town, you mean?

TEDDI: I was being honest.  You’re writing soap opera scenes.

JON:  Fine.  I’ll be honest.  If you fuck him, I don’t want to know about it.

TEDDI: *calling General Hospital to see if there’s an opening on the creative team*

JON: Ha!

 

8:18pm
JON: Well? What did the man-whore have to say?

TEDDI: Jon!  Be nice!  He’s helping me AND he’s still here.  I’ll let you know after.

JON: 🤨                                   

 

9:07pm
TEDDI: We had a conference call with his brother.  Brock isn’t hopeful that he’ll find anything but got all the pertinent details and will look into it as soon as he’s able.

JON: K

TEDDI: K?  That’s it? 

JON: Too much Deidre.  Too little Cookie. S’all I got.

JON: Okay, maybe I got one more thing… Did you fuck him?

TEDDI:  I thought you didn’t want to know.

JON: Answer the damn question.

TEDDI: Do you really need me to?

JON: Gah. No. Not really.  You still coming to the beach?

TEDDI: Are you going to ask me that every time we talk?

JON: Probably.

TEDDI:  Then you won’t be offended if I don’t answer.  My head is still a little bit in the clouds.  I’d like to bask in the feeling.

JON: Is that like afterglow or some shit?  Maybe I DO need to you answer the previous question.  Did you fuck him?? 

TEDDI: LOL! I'm referring to a completely different kind of satisfaction.  It’s official.  I’m a millionaire!! At least until Endicott finds a way to screw me out of it.

JON: Congrats, baby. Buy yourself something fun.

TEDDI: Think Obie can find me a Chevelle?

JON: They don’t come in beige.

TEDDI: 😝 Just for that…  Pierce kissed me and said again that he’ll still be around after you’re gone.

JON: I hope you know that every time he tells you I’m leaving, it only makes me more determined to stay.

TEDDI: Well, isn’t that just dreamy?  Every woman LOVES hearing that a man is dating her out of spite. 

JON:  C’mon.  That’s not how I mean it.  I just hate that piece of fuck.

TEDDI: #fancyfuck

JON: I’d like to fancy fuck YOU.

TEDDI:  You won’t hear any complaints from me.  😘   

 

 

August 1, 2017
Tuesday

 

11:37am
MAGGIE: O. M. G.!!  You sent me the 2016 Lakoya Cabernet Sauvignon??  I’ve been DYING to try that wine!

TEDDI:  Yes, I believe you said that during the Ides of June dinner.

MAGGIE:  What the hell did I do to deserve a $500 bottle of wine??

TEDDI: Nothing in particular.  I just wanted to make you smile. 

MAGGIE:  😍 Aww, that’s sooooo sweet!  Because I absolutely AM smiling.  HUGE!  But know what would making me smile even more?  Going to the Hamptons with you.

TEDDI:  LOL! I’ll keep that in mind. 

 

11:45am
TORI:  You sent me flowers?  Am I dead and don’t know it yet?

TEDDI:  Yes, Victoria.  Lie down and stop talking, you ungrateful shrew.  LOL

TORI:  Sorry, but you don’t normally do random gifting.  Christmas, weddings, births and graduations.  A special birthday, maybe.  So what’s the deal?

TEDDI:  Business is going well, and I have a bit of disposable income.  You like sunflowers and endure me with minimal complaint.  It is appreciated.  ❤️

TORI:  Aww, you love me! 

TEDDI:  I do, in fact.

TORI:  That mean you’re taking me to the Hamptons?

TEDDI: Have a nice day, Victoria.

TORI: I KNOW how you meant that!

TEDDI:  😏

 

2:55pm
STEF: You sent me a 25 yr old bottle of Chivas Regal, Ted?!?  Do you know how expensive that shit is?

TEDDI: Cheaper than a weekend house call from a plumber, I’m sure.  Consider it a token of my affectionate gratitude and drink it in good health. 

STEF: And you sent Cat tickets to Hamilton, which is sold out for the next 50 fucking years?

TEDDI: She mentioned that she’d like to see it.

STEF: What about Kizzy’s dinner at Chicago’s best restaurant? And Maggie’s fancy ass wine?

TEDDI:  Also things in which they’d shown interest.

STEF:  Riiight.  You’re buying us off so we’ll stop hassling you about the Hamptons, aren’t you?

TEDDI:  Did you think it might be restitution for being a pill the last thirty Ides of June?  However, if it entices you to stop hassling me about the Hamptons, all the better.  😊

 

5:12pm
JON: A guy named Kevin just showed up out of the blue to give me a massage, and now he says he’s staying to cook dinner. 

TEDDI:  Dinner and a massage, you say?  Sounds like I’m being replaced.   

JON:  You sent me a masseuse/chef.  I’d be a moronic fuck to replace you. 

TEDDI:  😂

JON:  But WHY did you send him?

TEDDI:  Because I like being able to do something nice for you.  Did I mention I’m a millionaire?  😁

JON:  LMAO!  You might’ve, but I don’t need the things your money can buy. 

TEDDI:  But I need to give it (at least this time), so please be gracious in accepting.

JON:  No you don’t, but there isn’t time to argue it.  I’ll just say thank you and head off to happy hour with the necklace thief.  Hey. Anything from the cop?

TEDDI:  No word yet.  Pro tip: Deidre is a cocktail snob.  If you want to have some fun, pressure her to drink a beer.  🍺

 

8:32pm
JON: I don’t like Deidre.  

TEDDI: You’re preaching to the choir, mister. She stole my high school boyfriend and married him.

JON: WTF?  Jacey’s dad?

TEDDI: Yes.  She might’ve been mine if Deidre wasn’t so eager to spread her legs.

JON:  Dude lost out.  No way she’s better in bed than you.

TEDDI: Ha.  That skill came into being a long time after high school.

JON: And I’m damn grateful it did.

TEDDI: Looking forward utilizing it with you again someday.

JON:  Not SOMEday.  SUNday.  You’re still coming, right?

TEDDI: That’s the plan, but if I won’t have sex in my own bed, you know I’m not having it in the same house as your kids.

JON: We’ll see about that.

TEDDI: Did you at least get her to drink beer?

JON:  Yeah.  Haha.  You’d think she was drinking skunk piss.  It was the highlight of the evening.  Thanks for that.

TEDDI: My pleasure.

JON:  Speaking of pleasure… Can I interest you in phone sex?

TEDDI: I don’t think so.

JON: Oh come on! If you were stuck in the same house as your sister, I’d cut YOU some slack.  Can’t you do the same for me?

TEDDI: I’ve got cookies baking.  I can’t just leave them.

JON:  Cookies??  What kind?

TEDDI: I’m perfecting a new recipe.  It’s a surprise.

JON: You’re bringing them with you on Sunday?

TEDDI: Yes.

JON: Can’t wait to see you, Cookie.

TEDDI: #ditto 😘

 

August 2, 2017
Wednesday

9:22am
TORI: I just found out you got your “other” cousins booze, Broadway and fine dining.  All I got was sunflowers.  ☹  That means you should let me tag along to the Hamptons.  Otherwise I’ll get a complex.

TEDDI: You’re complex alright.

TORI:  Ha.  If that isn’t the Rubik’s Cube calling the slinky playful.

TEDDI:  What??

TORI: Pot and kettle is so overused.  Lemme go to the beach??

TEDDI:  No.  Your Rubik’s cube and slinky will keep you entertained at home.

 

2:37pm
JON: The more I watch Jacey, she reminds me of you.

TEDDI: I can’t imagine how.

JON: She carries and presents herself just like her Mama expects her to, but there’s something wild and carefree hovering under the surface. 

TEDDI: I suppose if anyone could understand the pressure to appear perfect, it would be her.  She really should’ve been mine.

JON: Why didn’t you have kids, if you don’t mind me asking?

TEDDI: Why in God’s name would I want to subject another human being to my mental deficiencies?   

JON: As much as you baby those fish, a child would’ve been lucky to have you as a mama.

TEDDI: The world shall never know. I’m bringing the fish with me, however. 

JON: So you’re still coming?

TEDDI:  It’s only Wednesday, so yes.  Panic and remorse don’t set in until Thursday.

 

5:15pm
MAGGIE: You really shouldn’t go to the Hamptons without a family member. 

TEDDI: And why is that?

MAGGIE: Well, in case there’s a medical emergency.  I could donate part of my liver or something, if you needed it.

TEDDI: I believe cirrhosis takes longer than a week to become terminal, but thank you for the thought.

MAGGIE:  Dammit.  Well, if I can’t go, don’t let Cat or Stef go.  I’d die of jealousy and you know how I hate to hex one of my own.

TEDDI:  I would hate for that to happen, so none of you are invited.  How’s that?  

MAGGIE:  It’s crappy, but it’ll do.  Take Tori.  xoxo 

 

5:31pm
CATERINA:  Sure you don’t want company on Long Island?

TEDDI:  It’s kind of you to offer, but I’d prefer to go it alone. 😊

5:42 PM
STEF: You made me deal with whiny sisters.  I’d say that deserves a trip to the beach, right?  😉

TEDDI:  LOL!  Nice try…

 

10:10pm

jerseykid6232: Especially if one is an octopus.

mynameissteph93: I SAID I was sorry!
1ooking43bears: Is Squidward taking a break from Sponge Bob to vacation on the beach?
sassielassie1: 🐟🤢
gypsysoulle: Show me that octopus.  I will snatch off its tentacles! 😤

August 3, 2017
Thursday

10:02am
TEDDI:  I saw a new beach photo of you online.  Your tan is coming along nicely.

JON:  You’ll see for yourself soon enough....  Unless panic and remorse showed up on schedule.  Have you changed your mind?

TEDDI: Oddly enough, panic arrived solo.  Remorse must’ve caught a later flight.  I’m sure it’ll be along soon.

JON: It’s at my house, reminding me not to let my daughter invite guests for more than two nights. 

TEDDI: I assume your octopus post means that Deidre has tried to molest you?

JON: Every night after dinner.  It takes a lot less booze to loosen your sister’s inhibitions than it does yours.  Even Steph feels awkward about it.  She apologized to me TWICE last night.

TEDDI: Well, on the off chance you’re tempted, I have it on good authority that she IS a dud in bed.  Sounds like she’s trying to compensate with enthusiasm. 

JON: What authority?

TEDDI: Her ex.  He mentioned it at more than one family holiday when HE had been drinking.

JON:  Ah.  So remorse was his plus-one to Christmas dinner?  That remorse sure does get around.

TEDDI:  Mhm.  I believe “I should’ve married you instead of that living corpse” were his exact words.  Then he asked me if that made him a necrophiliac.  😂

JON: HA!  Dumb fucker.

TEDDI: Good father, though.  He stuck it out until his daughter graduated high school. 

JON: Are you calling me a bad dad since I divorced with two still in high school?

TEDDI: The timing wasn’t your choice, according to the fan grapevine.  Are they wrong? 

JON: No. They’re not.

TEDDI:  In that case, I guess I should extend my condolences.

JON:  Eh.  It is what it is.  You reap what you sow.  What goes around comes around and all that other shit.  I don’t dwell on it.

TEDDI: Wise choice.  It will only make you crazy. 🤪

 

1:35pm
DAVID: You call that number I gave you?

TEDDI: Hello, David.  I’m doing well.  Thanks for asking.  How about yourself?

DAVID: Sarcasm is sexy on you, I must say.  Avoidance, not so much.  Did you call?

TEDDI: No.  Not yet.

DAVID:  Why?

TEDDI:  It’s complicated.

DAVID:  For fuck’s sake, woman.  Is EVERYTHING about you complicated?

TEDDI: “I'm complicated, you can't sedate it. I heard that song but I won't play it. It's alright, it's OK, you wouldn't want me any other way.”

DAVID: Great.  You take the prize for both avoidance and lyric trivia.  🥳 🏆

TEDDI: Sigh.  If you’re going to hate and judge, can’t you do it from afar? 

DAVID: If I hated, I wouldn’t be bugging you about this.  And I’m not judging, I’m trying to motherfucking understand.

TEDDI: In that case, I’ll be frank.  While I appreciate your interest and help, I won’t use that contact information.  

DAVID: Why not?

TEDDI: Because I don’t think it’s necessary.  If it becomes so, I’ll find someone.  Honestly. 

DAVID: Yeah, but what’s your definition of necessary?

TEDDI: That has yet to be determined.

DAVID: Sigh.  WTF ever.  How are the fish?

 

9:10pm
JON: She wore the necklace again tonight. 

TEDDI:  Did you say anything to her about it?

JON: I asked her where she got it. 

TEDDI:  And? 

JON: She said it was a recently inherited family heirloom.

TEDDI: Damnation. That sounds like it was part of Randolph’s estate, doesn’t it?

JON: Either that or she just thought it sounded swankier than stealing it.

TEDDI: I wish Grandmother Bihari was still alive.  I’d love to ask her again about the necklace.

JON: None of your cousins’ parents would know anything?

TEDDI:  Mama’s sister might, but she passed away a couple of years ago.  Her brother is the only one still living, but I can’t imagine Bert knowing anything about jewelry. I’ll ask Maggie, though.

JON: Good.  Let me know.

JON: Are you still coming to the beach?

TEDDI:  LOL.  Probably.

 

9:19pm
TEDDI: Do you think your father would remember anything about Mama’s moon and star necklace?

MAGGIE: What do you mean?  Like what it looked like?

TEDDI: No.  What became of it after her death.

MAGGIE:  Papa wouldn’t even remember that necklace.  Kizzy’s a few years older than us.  Maybe she knows something.  I’ll check.

 

9:42pm
MAGGIE: Kiz isn’t answering.  I’ll let you know when she does.

TEDDI:  Thank you ❤️

 

 

August 4, 2017
Friday 

1:27pm
TEDDI:  I’m not coming.

JON:  I see remorse finally arrived, but too damn bad.  I’ll be there in 48 hours.

TEDDI: Your kids are going to be more judgmental than the Supreme Court and with every right.  I’m not fit to be dating you.

JON: Say that again and I’m gonna get PISSED.

TEDDI: 🤐

JON: Good girl.

TEDDI: Can I bring Tori?

JON: If that’s what you want.

TEDDI: She’s been badgering me about it.  All the cousins have, actually.

JON: Might be an interesting house party, but won’t they feed your anxiety?

TEDDI: Yes.  I never considered inviting more than one person.

JON: Bring who you want, but plan on spending some time in the color cauldron when I pick you up.  I miss my Gypsy.

TEDDI: My Gypsy soul misses you.

 

 

August 5, 2017
Saturday

5:10pm

UNKNOWN: Theodosia, darling.  I’m at the airport, but I couldn’t wait until I got home to tell you.  Guess where I’ve spent the past week?  With JON BON JOVI at his home in the Hamptons.  You’re simply green with envy aren’t you?  You should be.  He is divine in EVERY possible way, if you get my drift.  It’s a shame that you’ve never gotten to meet him PERSONALLY.  Or to smell his skin.  Or to feel his lips on you.  Tsk.  Such a shame.  Oh, must dash.  I believe that’s him calling now.  He probably misses me already.

 

5:35pm
TEDDI: Did you sleep with Deidre?

JON:  What?  No.  HELLLLL NO.  Where the fuck did you get an idea like that?

TEDDI: “UNKNOWN: Theodosia, darling.  I’m at the airport, but I couldn’t wait until I got home to tell you.  Guess where I’ve spent the past week?  With JON BON JOVI at his home in the Hamptons.  You’re simply green with envy aren’t you?  You should be.  He is divine in EVERY possible way, if you get my drift.  It’s a shame that you’ve never gotten to meet him PERSONALLY.  Or to smell his skin.  Or to feel his lips on you.  Tsk.  Such a shame.  Oh, must dash.  I believe that’s him calling now.  He probably misses me already.”

JON: Baby, you’re not the one with mental problems in that family.  She is fucking delusional. 

TEDDI:  Sometimes I think it’s how Peabodys survive being Peabodys.

 

9:32pm
TEDDI: I’m not coming.

JON: Is this about Deidre’s bullshit?

TEDDI:  No.

JON: In that case, yes you are.

TEDDI: No.  I’m not.  Seriously.

JON: Whatever you need to tell yourself, baby.  But if you don’t have a bag of beige clothes packed when I get there, you’re still coming AND you’re going to wear a vacation wardrobe that I pick out.

TEDDI: You only wear black and gray.  It could be worse.

JON: But I’m dressing you in red, pink, yellow, orange…

TEDDI: Never happen, because I’m not coming.

JON: I finally got rid of Deidre today – AFTER she groped my ass and put her phone number in my pocket.  You cannot spoil my mood.  I’m coming to get you tomorrow.  End of story.  And if you keep it up, I’ll come tonight.

TEDDI: 😲 🤔

JON: Does that mean you WANT me to come tonight?

TEDDI: Only if you'll SPEND the night.

JON: OK

TEDDI: What? Are you joking?

JON:  No joke.  The only catch is that when we get up in the morning, you’re coming to the Hamptons without an argument. Got it?

TEDDI:  But…

JON:  I’ll be there in 2 hours.